Rural Digest: Groundhog D-Day in the backyard

Groundhog

CARROLL — One of the benefits in living in a robust rural area like Carroll is that there is a smorgasbord of characters around with ready advice on the odd problem a homeowner may have with animals or trees or getting the grass to grow.

I rely on these people, some of whom I know very well. Others I just happen to run into and ask what to do with a matter like the troublesome groundhog rollicking around my Rolling Hills backyard.

The other day, after clearing more brush in my yard than George W. Bush trucks from his Texas ranch in a week, I stumbled upon a deep hole near my home’s foundation.

Huh, I said. That’s sort of creepy.

Later, as I was drinking glasses of water from the kitchen sink I spied what I believed to be a groundhog — and a fat, happy dude at that. It was just lounging on my porch as if it expected me to bring out some lemonade and salted nuts.

When I went outside and yelled at the freeloader, it leapt into the air, disappearing quickly in that hole.

Over the next day, I asked almost everyone I encountered how they would handle this situation.

One person told me to use poison grain to kill the hog. Another poison peanuts.

My favorite suggestion came from a co-worker who told me to stand behind the hole, tap repeatedly on the ground behind it with a hoe or shovel, wait for the hog to appear and then bash it in the head.

That seemed like something Mel Gibson would do in “Braveheart” so I was intrigued.

I don’t own a gun (as I’m not a hunter and figure the odds of accidentally shooting a friend or family member on a surprise visit outweigh those of stopping an intruder). But I did have images of purchasing some epically cool weapon and training it on that cocky hog. Like a crossbow or a flamethrower — although I suspect the Carroll Police Department would have some things to say about such a strategy.

I have a friend in Texas who claims he hunts wild hogs, the bigger, good-eating variety, with a knife. I thought about getting him on the case as he seems to derive great joy in such affairs.

Someone suggested tossing a smoke canister down the hole, and being a child of the 1980s it goes without saying, that I had visions of a star turn as Bill Murray in “Caddyshack” as with reckless hilarity he stalked a groovy-beat dancing groundhog.

Finally, I went with the prescription of a media colleague from Carroll Broadcasting who suggested that I snake a garden hose down the hole and get all Iowa 1993 on said hog.

I did that on Friday night as I mowed the yard. No groundhog emerged. So I filled the hole with dirt and remained in reconnaissance mode as I downed a Miller Lite near the kitchen window that looks over the backyard. Still no groundhog.

This week, I told Carroll Conservation Board director Mark River about my backyard generalship in the Great Groundhog War.

As it turns out, I’m no Eisenhower. You see, River told me, there is a far more effective, more humane manner in which to deal with the trespassing groundhog.

“We always recommend live trapping,” River said.

Residents experiencing problems with unwanted animals like groundhogs or raccoons or feral cats can borrow a live trap at Swan Lake State Park free of charge.

The animals are lured into the metal trap with various bait, and locked down for transport to the country where they can be released, River said.

“Drive out in the country or that cousin’s house you never got along with,” River said. “He (Mr. Groundhog) isn’t hurt in any way.”

River said he has a couple of traps on hand for borrowers, but he quickly noted that he expects them to be returned empty. His crew doesn’t do live trapping.

“We don’t do any of that,” River said.